


Theon Greyjoy: Shots of Grenadine

by estranged_and_wayward



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Dark Comedy, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Queer Themes, Robb Stark is a Gift, Stand Up Comedy, general shinanigans, idk theres a lot of sex jokes because this is theons perspective, mentions of dany/asha, mentions of drug use, mentions on jon/satin, roasting to show love, smut kind of?, theons a comedian and theyre married with two kids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28059966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/estranged_and_wayward/pseuds/estranged_and_wayward
Summary: Theon Greyjoy talks love, sex, childhood trauma and so much more on the stage where it all started(basically, imagine if Theon had a Netflix special)
Relationships: Theon Greyjoy/Robb Stark
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	Theon Greyjoy: Shots of Grenadine

**Author's Note:**

> so I'm not quite sure how this idea came into my head, but I started writing this like a month ago, forgot about it, and then finished it because some people on Tumblr seemed kind of interested. I don't know if the jokes came across, this was a little difficult to write but it was really fun because I basically just got to dick around and see what happened. some of the humor may be considered offensive or dark, and I'm sorry about that but Theon's seems like the kind of person who would use dark humor to cope so just know that its all for the sake of comedy, just for fun and I'm sorry in advance if its just terrible. 
> 
> thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoy.

Theon gave himself one final check in the mirror to make sure his tie was straight, his teeth were clean of any food and his fly was securely up. With a light tousle of his hair, he decided that he looked fine. He wasn’t actually worried about any of that. Nobody would have even been able to tell from their seats, but it was a habit he’d never been able to break. He did a quick shot of Jack Daniels, another essential pre-show tradition, and smacked the glass down on the table, cracked his knuckles, and made his way to the stage door. He relaxed the muscles in his shoulders, trying to loosen up. “Showtime motherfucker” he muttered to himself and confidently stormed out the stage to the sound of clapping. 

He took the mic off the stand “Ayo, how’s everybody doin’ tonight? Thank you for coming out, it’s a pretty big crowd tonight, eh? All the tables are even filled, I haven’t seen that since before gay marriage was legal.” There was a light chuckle from the crowd “I ain’t complaining though, anything that gives me more attention is good in my book” he smirked, beginning to pace steadily back and forth across the raised wooden floor. “I can’t get enough of that shit. It’s the deadliest drug out there, and all of your favorite entertainers are hopelessly addicted.” there was another laugh from the crowd “And I am never fuckin’ going to rehab! Yeah, gimme another hit!”

“This is kind of a special show because it's the anniversary of the very first show my husband ever saw me perform. Yup, it's been like, god, seventy-eight years I think.” he nodded “yeah seventy-eight years sounds about right, it’s easy to lose track of time when you’re in pure marital bliss. Because even though we were friends for basically all of growing up we stopped talking after high school because we went to different colleges. Never had a fight or anything, just lost touch. He had a couple girlfriends and stuff, one of which’s mother tried to get him killed at one point. But that’s a whole other story that I can’t legally get into. Most of them nurses, for some reason. Don’t fucking know why. Guess he’s got a thing for women in scrubs. Do what you will with that information. Funnily enough, and I swear I’m not making this up, those two exes that are nurses ended up working in the same hospital and I shit you not now they’re married.” he paused to let the audience laugh “Yeah” he said, “I’m so deadass. They invited him to the wedding because they thought it was so funny.” 

“And while Robb was screwing nurses, I explored my attraction to toxic men. And I don’t just mean like, a kinda shitty boyfriend I mean like actually horrifically abusive. Like, my fingers are still fucked up because of that bastard. So I actually started doing this as a coping mechanism,” he paused for a moment and smiled forcefully before sighing “I wish that was a joke,” he laughed to himself and the audience echoed. 

“But yeah, it's kinda a special day,” he said, leaving the previous topic in an instant. "That’s why I dressed up, I feel like John Mulaney, just a twink in a suit telling jokes about his spouse” he readjusted his tie for emphasis “because I normally do this in like, t-shirt and jeans, but like the gay version of t-shit and jeans where you like wear really nice boots and cuff the ankles, and like tuck in the t-shit and roll up the sleeves to get a little cuff on them too. Because as we all know, cuffs are just how gay people signal to one another that they’re gay. You know, when you’re somewhere in public and you see someone and you're like ‘ _Is he… ya know’_ ” he kicked his foot upon the stool and cuffed the bottom of his pants exaggeratedly. “I like that joke because straight people can’t laugh at it” he lowered his foot back do onto the stage and held the mic a little closer so he could whisper into it “ _it's just for us_ . _How’s it feel?_ ” he chuckled lightly “just kidding heteros you can laugh” he stopped laughing and turned towards the audience with a deathly gaze “Unless you stop at the Chick-fil-a up the street after this, then you’ve lost the right.” 

“But anyway, yeah, we kind of re-met at one of my shows. He heard about somebody named Theon that made jokes about daddy issues on Thursday nights and went ‘Yup, that’s definitely him’. So it's a really good thing I’ve got kind of a distinctive name because otherwise, he would’ve been like ‘Oh some fucker named Jack is going to make self-deprecating remarks for an hour while complaining about his love life? That’s just every male comedian I’d rather drink with my dog all night’ and then we never would have reconnected and he would have married a catholic and I would have become an enemy of the state. So I guess that sometimes you gotta be thankful for your name. Even if teachers can never fuckin’ pronounce it.”

“I never understood that, like, motherfucker, its five bloody letters. You can’t get five goddamn letters right and you really think you’re gonna sit here and teach me geography at nine in the fuckin’ morning? Good fuckin’ luck Janet.” he sighed and ran a hand through his hair “But I digress.” 

“This is even actually the same club, which is cool. He was way in the back so I couldn’t see him. And that night I told a story about my ‘ginger jock friend’-” he put up air quotes “and how he thought I was a mermaid when we were kids because I could hold my breath longer than his mom.” more laughter rang through his ears and made him smile again “I’m serious he really did! Granted, I did really fuck with him about it to keep him convinced. I'm pretty sure he believed it until he was like eleven.” he scoffed “I’d hate to have been the person that told him Santa wasn’t real. Oh wait, I was” 

He allowed the laughter to die down before he continued, “But yeah, he heard me making that joke. And at the end of it, I said, _‘And that kid grew up to have abs’_ because he did when he was like seventeen. Then after the show, he bought me a drink, and we talked in the back until the owner kicked us out. We were trying so hard to pretend like we weren’t flirting the entire time.” he smirked in affection at the memory “we were asking those subtle ‘ _so you fucking anybody?’_ Type questions. Ya’ know, the _‘so what did you do over Valentine’s day?’, ‘oh you saw the new Avengers movie? Who’d you see it with?’, ‘you come here with anyone?’ ‘how big is it?’ ‘where are you living now?_ ’ You know, typical stuff. And I’ll save you the five hours of fluff, we were both single.” 

From the stage, he could see the table where Robb was sitting. It was a little closer to the stage than it had been the first time, but off to the side because he hated being front and center where everyone could see him. But Theon could always see him laughing, even if he knew where the story was going. 

"But anyway, to get to the point," he said "that night set in motion a series of events that led to me having my bare ass licked by a dog the size of a small horse during sex" there was a roar of laughter. He bit his lip "I feel like I've gotta explain that one a little bit" he said "So I was spending most nights over at Robb's flat, because he didn't sleep on a futon, and I naturally got pretty comfortable sleeping in his bed. But just as it happens, Robb is a dog person. Okay, I knew that going into this, whatever. And he had this huge fucking dog named Grey Wind. He was an attack dog that he got for his fourteenth birthday that acted like a golden retriever. And I had no problem with that, cause Grey Wind was a good dog."

"The only thing was" he stated "He was one of those dog people who let his dog sleep in the bed with him. Okay, I can get past that. But he also didn't like to have sex with the dog in the room." He shrugged in agreement "reasonable right? Yeah" he tilted his head "So he would just shut the door when we were doing it to keep the dog out, and then he would bring him back in after we were done so that he wouldn't get sad and cry all night." He cleared his throat " _which one am I referring to? You'll never know_ " 

"And then one night, he wakes me up real late. And he's kissing my neck, whispering in my ear and shit. Real sensual. And I just assume that the dog's out of the room then, so we start fucking. And its all slow, and the whole time I'm looking at him thinkin' ' _wow, I think I really love this guy'_ , that's the first time it my life I'd ever thought that." He smiled warmly, watching Robb carefully "And then, the dog jumps up on the bed and licks me right on the cheek" he rubbed his forehead as the audience laughed "I felt my dick shrivel up in an instant" he snapped his fingers "I'm pretty sure it retracted inside my body cause it was just like _nope_ . _We are not fuckin' doin' this right now_." 

He took a second for a drink of water "You know, that happened more than a decade ago, and I still fuckin' hate that story" he said, placing the bottle back down on the stool. "It's true. I fucking hate it. Worst experience of my entire life and I watched my father being lowered into his grave!" He saw Robb laughing amongst the crowd "I spent my adolescence watching my mother's mental and physical health deteriorate until she could no longer lift a fork and I would rather tell that story than the one I just told!" He insisted. 

He chuckled "I know that's the most fucked up joke in the set," he said, crossing his arms "but I refuse to write it out because I love watching half the crowd explode into uncomfortable laughter while all of the mentally healthy people look on in concern and disgust." He pursed his lips to keep from laughing "Once I told it and a group of middle-aged women got up and left." He recalled the looks of disgust they'd shot at him as they got up from their seats. "And the thing is, you don't even know if that really is the worst one. You'll just have to wait and see."

"Because as my therapist always says _'The worst is behind you, maybe'_." He gave a broad, news anchor type smile "Its also just a great message for the kiddies. God I love being inspirational" even he laughed at that one.

“but that’s why I don’t let my kids watch my shows, because it would absolutely crush them mentally. They'd be sitting in therapy like ' _yeah my father used to tell us that the worst was never behind us.'_ This is saving thousands of dollars on therapy bills people" 

"Well that, and also because they would immediately lose all respect for me as a parent,” he smirked “But if I did bring them, then I would just do nothing but tell embarrassing stories about my husband. Because they view him as like the really respectable one. Like if he says to do something they do it, they don’t swear in front of him and shit. They know if he catches them doing something bad that they’re actually in trouble. It's like in Phineas and Ferb how the dad fully knows that the kids are building monster trucks and shit and doesn’t even care. Like I never get them coming up to me calling for justice like _‘Ned pushed me!’_ because I’ll just be like ‘Well push him back’ because that’s what my dad did and I turned out just fine” he gave an exaggerated twitch.

“It’s gotten to the point where they actually use me as their excuse for bad behavior,” He said “I’m serious!” he exclaimed as the audience laughed. “Like this happened last week: it was Saturday, I was watching the kids while my husband was out grocery shopping. They were in the backyard playing on the swing set, totally normal kid shit ya’ know. So I went inside to make another cup of coffee, because that’s my other addiction. I was inside for maybe ten minutes, and during that ten minutes guess what the kids decided to do?” he paused for a moment “Really guess” he said “I guarantee you won’t fucking get it” he threw a hand on his hip “if you guessed: they decided to _take the tire off my car_ and make a _fucking_ tire swing with it, then you're correct!” he let them laugh for a moment before continuing.

“Okay,” he rubbed his temples with his free hand “so, number 1: what the fuck? Just right off the bat, what the actual fuck? Number 2: Who taught them how to take a tire off a car? Had a talk with the little fuckers, which I say with the most endearment, and it turns out _surprise surprise_ it was Auntie Assassin! Number 3: _what the fuck?_ Number 4: They took the ropes off their actual swings and tied them around a tree branch. Apparently. I’m raising a couple of fucking engineers I guess. Number 5:” He cleared his throat “WHAT THE FUCK!” he cried in distress. 

“Anyway,” he said calmly “so in that moment after these two little monsters had managed to get the tire off the car and tie it to the tree, Robb decided that was the time he should arrive home. I hear him laugh, and then gasp. And then he comes inside, looks me dead in the eyes and says ‘Theon, what the fuck is wrong with you?’ and I just thought that he meant like in general so I say ‘Would you like the list in alphabetical?’ and that was the wrong answer.” 

He sighed and leaned against the stool “And he drags me outside and I see our two darling children, who are eight and six by the way, just for context. Gotta paint a vivid image of this. And they are screaming like crackheads at three am as they swing back and forth, kicking against the tree for momentum and cackling on their brand new jury-rigged tire swing.” he paused “I thought Robb was mad cause I wasn’t out there watching them, and then it hits me and I realize ‘Wait…’” he narrowed his eyes “‘where the fuck did they get that t- oh. Oh god.' And then I knew that I was in trouble" 

He ruffled a hand through his hair, lazily crossing his arms “and we call the kids over, because apparently fun is illegal when you’re a parent. And Robb’s just like _‘hey’_ ” He used an overly sweet voice “ _what are you guys doing?’_ and they both scream _‘WE MADE A TIRE SWING!’_ “ he blinked twice “Yeah, we can see that” he nodded “And Robb says _‘And why exactly are you doing that?_ ”

“And do you wanna know what they said? _‘Dad said it was fine’_ ” he blinked hard a few times “And Robb fucking believed them!” he threw his hands up “That just seemed like some shit I would have signed off on apparently.” he sighed in defeat “Because I absolutely fucking would have. Like are you kidding? That’s a fantastic idea!” he pushed his hair out of his eyes “That is exactly the kind of thing my sister Asha and I would have done as kids. Except we would have done it under the careful supervision of an uncle who was day drunk while babysitting.” he waited for the laughter to die down before adding “He’s a priest now by the way” alongside a head scratch. 

“Anyway, back to that disaster” he sighed “I’m like _hey, it seemed like you guys were having a lot of fun, but what should you do before doing something like that?_ Ya’ know, supreme level parenting.” there was a chuckle at that “And my daughter looked up at me and said _‘ask daddy first’_ ” he rubbed his temple while the audience laughed “They seem to think that everything is fine so long as they get parental permission first. Like I swear one day they’re gonna be on trial for murder and their lawyer’s just gonna be like _‘well your honor’”_ he stood up straight and held onto the hem of his blazer, putting on a smug expression “ _my client got permission from both parents before even purchasing the firearm.’_ and then the judge is just gonna be all _‘well shit I guess they’re not guilty.’_ “ he banged his hand on the stood “case dismissed” 

He shook his head “They never would’ve gotten away with that shit if Robb was home.” he said “Never. They respect him way too much” he crossed his arms “And that’s without knowing that I got my ass licked by a dog” laughter once again filled his ears. “Unless” his head shot up, eyes wide in an instant “I just tell jokes about Robb the whole time” he saw confusion in the shadows of Robb’s face and shot him a smirk.

“My son, who’s fucking eight now, _no fuckin’ idea when that happened_ , made me promise that when he turns 18 that I’m gonna take him to one of my shows. And oh boy, I’ve already started writing jokes for that” he whipped out a list from his pocket that was so comically long it dropped onto the floor like a CVS receipt for seven items when he unrolled it. “Now Ned here is a story of the time that your other father, and yes all of these are real,” He cleared his throat “Fell asleep on the bus and woke up in another city. Got matching half-heart shaped necklaces with his dog. Got so drunk he forgot we were dating and asked me out. Took it up the ass in a Denny’s bathroom at three am. Got so emotional while reciting his wedding vows that he just gave up and kissed me too early.” he glanced up briefly “That was cute though, but I still wanted to mention it just because he hates when I bring it up.” he cleared his throat again and said loud and clear “Got a fake ID so that he could buy fish from Petco when he was 16 and then never used it for anything else. Created an incredibly elaborate scheme including a team of people with codenames to toilet paper an asshole principal’s house and somehow didn’t get in trouble for it. And yes, I helped. You really think I’d miss out on some shit like that? That guy was an asshole, he confiscated my iPod and never fuckin’ gave it back- Fuck you, Mr. Lannister, suck my entire dick- but anyway.” he read further down the list, ushered on by the laughter of the crowd. 

“One time, when he was trying to impress me by proving he could smoke weed and burnt his bangs when he was trying to light the bowl.” he could see Robb hiding his face in his hands, trying to pretend he wasn’t laughing. 

“Yeah, that is the man that I married.” Theon nodded, placing his hand on his hip. He sighed and began rolling up the list “I have more but now I’ve gotta say something nice about him or he won’t let me fuck him later tonight.” he jammed the paper back into his pocket “Tragic I know, I could talk about him being a dipshit for hours but I’m kinda trying not to get a lecture so…” he trailed off for a moment before beginning to pace carefully again.

“I was fifteen when I came out." He started "and when I finally did, I still thought I liked chicks so I came out as bi. I fed into that stereotype of _well I guess I'm enough of a slut to be bi_ , ya' know that thing that every dumbass with daddy issues thinks bisexuality is? Yeah, that. So there was a very long situation where my dad like super knew that I was gay, but we were refusing to talk to each other about it." He sat down on the stool to give his pacing a break "and we wound up getting into this huge fight. Screaming, throwing shit, the whole shebang, you've seen in movies. Eventually, I end up storming out, don't even grab anything. It was like eleven o'clock at night so it was pitch black, and freezing, I didn't have a car or a phone, or anywhere to go. So I walk all the way across town to Robb's house in negative seven-degree weather, it was snowing by the time I finally got there, and knock on the back door. I wait a minute, I'm still pissed about everything but I was shivering and I just wanted to get out of the cold. And he comes to the door, I had probably only been waiting for like a minute at most. And he's like _'theon, what are you doing here?_ ' And I'm just like'' he wrapped his arms around himself to simulate the memory " _'can I stay here for the night?'_ And he immediately pulled me inside and wrapped a towel around me." He relaxed his position again "he lent me some clothes, just cause mine were soaked, made me some tea to warm me up. And he's always been like that, ever since we were kids. Even now he keeps bandaids in his wallet for whenever the kids get hurt. Because he is amazing at taking care of the people he loves." 

“He’s also really good in bed” he blinked twice “I dunno why you're all laughing, kid’s a fuckin’ animal.”

He scanned to crowd to look for him and locked eyes on him “Robb, you have the most fuckable mouth I’ve ever seen in my entire life” he said without the slightest hint of sarcasm. "Like I would pay to have sex with you but you let me do it for free." Robb was flipping him off, using his other hand to hide his face. "Also I love you." He added for good measure. 

“Speaking of fuckable mouths" he was still proud of that segway "I asked a friend of mine that once ‘If you could have you dick sucked by anyone in the world, who would it be? And my buddy Wex, he’s mute, so he signs back to me ‘ _The pope’_... okay” 

“And I’m just like why?” and he just looked me dead in the eye and signed out _‘A billion people can say they sucked the pope’s dick, but only I can say the pope sucked mine’_." He blinked profusely "I believe that is what we used to call a Power Move" 

“And then he was like _‘so who do you choose’_ and I was just like _‘you’_ and he looked at me like _‘what the fuck’_ and I just said _‘At least then someone would get some use out of your mouth’_ .” There was a roar of hysterical laughter from the crowd. He waited for it to die down before continuing. “And he just looked me dead in the eye and signed in the most passive-aggressive tone I have ever seen from him _‘you better put that in your fucking act’_ people say that to me sometimes. Like something funny will happen and they’ll be like” he put on an over-exaggerated voice “ _Oh my god you should totally talk about this on stage!_ But this time he was actually right, which is rare for Wex. He’s not exactly known for his good decision making. He’s kinda like Robb in that way.”

“Wait shit I’m supposed to be nice,” he remembered. 

He shrugged “Whatever, now I’m gonna roast him again.” He pulled the microphone from the stand so that he could wander around the stage freely “Remember how I said earlier that he took it up the ass in Denny’s? Well, I didn’t mention that was on our _second date_ ” There was a roar of laughter from the audience “Yeah, it was the first time we ever had sex” he saw Robb running a hand through his hair in distress. 

“So it was our second date, and we were having dinner at some shitty Italian place that wasn’t Olive Garden. We had a great time, we’re laughing and shit, exchanging _suggestive_ looks if ya’ know what I mean. We went out for drinks afterward, did some dancing, made out a little bit, grabbed each other’s asses because we’re not stupid. And the club we were at closed, so we wound up in a Denny’s because he had a coupon.” The crowd erupted in laughter as he paused “Yes, just a reminder that _this_ is the man I married” 

"Don't worry though, I wore a condom while I rawed him against the wall. Safety is important kids, always remember to wrap it before you tap it" he placed a hand on his hip "or before you slam it, same difference" he shrugged

“Also can I just say, I am equally as much a degenerate for having sex in a Denny’s bathroom.” he said “There’s a weird double standard where whoever’s doing the ‘receiving’ in sex is shamed while nobody cares who you stick your dick in. You know that saying ‘it takes two to tango’? Yeah, that’s because it does. Unless you’re only using one hand, but then that’s just sad. But nobody should be shamed for having a dick in them in a public bathroom. That's fucked up. Robb, you're not a slut for getting dicked in a Denny’s. Were both sluts in this situation, which I am perfectly okay with.” he saw Robb at his table mouthing _oh my fucking god_ to himself. He was laughing helplessly now. That was Theon’s favorite sight in the entire world, Robb laughing so hard that his face turned red and his eyes watered. It made him smile in a way that no smirk ever could hide. He could have watched Robb laugh like that forever, but he still had the rest of the show to do. 

“But on another note,” he began “ I feel like its better to fuck in a Denny’s in the middle of the night than at like two in the afternoon. Because at least at three am nobody actually cares. There's like three other drunk people there at most, and they are more sober than the staff. And so long as you don’t leave jizz on the wall then its fine.” he brushed his hair off his forehead while the audience laughed “But that’s just a given right? _Right_?” he stared dead-eyed at the crowd, beginning to pace again “I’m fully serious when I say: nobody fucking cares if you fuck in public so long as you clean up after yourself. Don’t be a slob. It's only trashy if you leave a mess for some minimum-wage employee to clean up. That is just rude honestly. It's like how no one cares where you pissed by accident so long as you clean it up. Seriously people have a little common decency” 

“I know that because I worked as a bartender for a while. It was here actually.” he said “I would do shows on Thursdays and then I would bartend over the weekend, which was fun ‘cause I would just get to observe drunk people all the time. If you’ve never been the only sober person in a bar then you’re really missing out because these people are the biggest fucking idiots I’ve ever seen.” he smirked “There was one guy, he did this like three times, where he got sloppy drunk and came up to the bar like this-” he walked across the stage like a baby giraffe on ketamine “and he would lean against the bar” he slumped against the stool, putting on his best fake drunk expression “and he would be like ‘ _hey.. Hey bartender m.. bartender man_ ” he slurred, rubbing at his eye with his free hand just like the man had “ ‘ _Can- Can I get a-a shot of that red stuff?’_ “ He straightened his back suddenly “And I’m just like ‘ _motherfucker are you trying to order a shot of blood?! Wrong stop Drac, blood bank’s next door’_ and he slurs out” he slumped against the stool again, putting the drunk voice back on “ ‘ _No, No! Man I’m- I’m talkin’ ‘bout that stuff you use to make Shirley temples an’ shit’_ “ he straightened up again and blinked with his entire face in disbelief “ _‘motherfucker are you trying to order a shot of fucking grenadine?!’_ and he was just like ‘ _Yeah man’_ so I just shrugged and poured it for him. And he just, well, he drank it. Just tipped it back like whisky or some shit and smacked it back down on the bar” he mimicked the motion “I still have no idea what that guy’s deal was. And you know, after the second time he did it I tried just a drop of it on my finger and felt like I needed an insulin shot” 

“I keep getting sidetracked, that’s my bad'' he unbuttoned the blazer “The suit is distracting me, _its like dad’s funeral all over again,_ I’m up here trying to read the eulogy and all I can focus on is how sweaty my ass is.” he laughed to himself “Ha, I’m kidding, I didn’t read the eulogy at my father’s funeral” he rolled his eyes “that was my sister” he muttered before abruptly changing to a more cheerful tone “Anyway, bartending. Can we get a thanks to fuckin’ Dagmar?” he said “brother’s been working here for thirty years and he hasn’t had to go to a single 12 step program the entire time. That’s a fuckin’ accomplishment” he saw the man’s silhouette jiggle with laughter as the crowd applauded 

“I love you Dagmar!” a clearly wasted person yelled from the middle of the room. 

“You fuckin’ better bitch” Theon laughed “That man is one of two reasons Asha hasn’t had to read my eulogy yet.” he shrugged “And before you ask, yes, the other is Robb” there was a collective _awwww_ from the audience. He saw Robb cover his mouth with his hand, clearly hiding his wide grin. “Oh shut up” he groaned “ _we’re adorable I know_ ” he droned. 

“Ugh, I’ve said too many nice things I need to start insulting him again.” 

“That’s the thing with Robb, there’s so little actually wrong with him that you very quickly have to resort to just complimenting him. You’re _too_ nice and caring! Your hair is _too_ pretty! Your ass is _too_ tight! You’re _too_ good at your job! _Your dick is too thick!!_ ” he threw up his hands in anguish “Ya’ know what I mean? He’s like perfect so there’s nothing to insult that will actually hurt him cause it’s all made up. You don’t have to do that with me.” he said, pointing forward to an imaginary mirror “All of your jokes are cover-ups for your insecurities. And everyone knows that you wear women’s pants sometimes” 

He mock gasped and threw a hand over his chest “ouch” he shook his head “You know just because it's true doesn’t mean it's not hurtful” he let out an overdramatic fake sob “They make my ass look good okay! Let me live!” 

He immediately shifted back to a more mentally stable persona “I gave a presentation about Stalinism while on acid once” he said calmly. He let the laughter die down before he added“Or at least, I think it was acid. It was an accident though, I didn’t mean to trip balls at nine in the morning. Shit happens!” 

“That happened when I was in high school, probably like sixteen or so. And I normally didn’t try that hard at school shit, cause who the fuck cares its school. But this one project I spent months on” he scratched his head “okay, the better part of a week. But the point is I worked really hard on it. And on the day it was supposed to be presented, I woke up at six-thirty am, took a shower, ate breakfast. And I’m just like _yeah, gonna get such a good grade. Gonna turn my whole life around._ Hyping myself up cause I worked so hard on this. And then, right before leaving, I see a box of truffles in the living room. Its like half-empty and I was like _fuck it I can treat myself_ , so I grab one. Don’t think anything of it and went to school.”

“I was in second period when I felt it start to kick in. and I’m just like _fuck_ but I’m trying to stay calm. And at first, I figured it was weed. And in that moment, I look up from my desk and the entire room was pink.” he bit his lip “Needless to say, it was not weed.”

“But what the fuck am I supposed to do? So I just try to keep going about my day while going through the most intense trip of my life. I keep quiet as possible, only walk with one hand on the wall, try not to scream when the teacher’s face melted off” 

“And by the time I get to fourth period to do the presentation, I feel like I’m walking through all seven hells at once. I totally forgot about it until the teacher called my name.” he began acting it out “So I stand up, and slowly shuffle to the front of the room, carefully avoiding the dots all over the floor because you just _know_ something terrible would happen if you stepped on a dot. My hands are shaking as I open up the tri-fold and stand it up only to be met with the face of Joseph Stalin and dictator mustache. I just barely managed to be able to read off everything. Thank god I made cue cards. And so I mutter through the whole thing like _‘an-a-and as ya- and as you can see’_ I’m like sweating, my entire body itches _‘pe- peop- people die when they have no, no bread, cause, cause bread is, bread is… hmmmmm… you can make toast- you can make toast with it’_ and the teacher, with her pink eyes, and her pink hair, and her pink nipples that I can somehow see said _‘Thank you Theon, that’s enough.’_ and sent me back to my seat”

“The lunch bell sounded angry by the time it finally rang. And I slide down the lockers to the lunchroom. Robb took one look at me and went _‘What the fuck did you do!?’_ ”

“And I was like” he rubbed his eyes, slurring his words in the way he had years ago “ _I don’t KNOW. but I THINK it’s acid. Also, why are you pink?’_

“So we ditched for the rest of the day and I tripped balls on Robb’s bedroom floor.” he said proudly “He married me” he laughed along with the audience. “And that isn’t even the worst part. When he went downstairs to eat dinner with his family I jerked off on the floor.” he closed his eyes, placing a hand on his neck “And it felt so good, mate. Sorry about your carpet Robb” 

“Yeah, that actually happened to me. But you know what, the past is the past. I haven’t gotten high and jerked off in Robb's bedroom in twenty years” He said like it was something to be proud of “Unless you count Thursday, but hey, nobody’s perfect” he smirked.

“I love being an older comedian now because I can tell those stories without being too ashamed. I can just be like ‘ _it was the past!’ wasn’t I stupid back then? Haha,’_ so glad that’s over.” he stared deadpan into the crowd for a moment "Yeah I would never do anything that stupid now. I'm an adu-" not even he could get through that one without cackling "I'm a-" he covered his mouth for a moment "God I should stop doing shots before the show" the laughter just egged him on, but he tried to pull himself together. He held a hand out in front of him, still smiling "I'm an adult" he giggled. "Last week I watched toy story three alone and cried myself to sleep over it while the kids were at school." He laughed "it was brutal" he ran a hand through his hair "most stressed I've been since dropping out of college" 

“Before that, the most stressful thing was when I had to house sit from my sister and her wife while they went on vacation,” he said, “and that doesn’t sound that bad, but that’s because I haven’t told you about the snakes yet” his smile gave way to a grim face “yup, my sister in law has three snakes. And I don’t mean like little garter snakes, its like fucking boa constrictors or some shit! And she just lets them slither around the house like kittens or something!? That’s like 25 feet of snake! And they sleep with them _in_ there bed with them, _like every night_ ” he threw up his hands in defeat “Fuck, I’m lucky my man’s a dog person cause if I had got my ass bit by a snake, I would have been out of there like that-” he snapped his fingers “I don’t care how good the blueberry pancakes you make in the morning are, I’m findin’ a new hole”

“And I love my sister’s wife, she’s so cool. She speaks a bunch of different languages, super sweet, bad bitch, does all this charity work, she’s a ton of fun, but I still can’t get over the snakes in the bed. And Asha’s with her so its not like its just some weird thing that she does. Its, like, just a totally normal part of their marriage apparently” he gave his most intense shrug of the evening “I don’t know either” 

“Now some of you are probably thinking, hey two gay kids, what are the odds? I thought the same thing” he blinked “Or at least I would have. If it wasn’t for four out of Robb’s five siblings also being gay” he clicked his tongue “one in five be damned I guess, fuck. At that point, I feel like the straight ones gotta come out _as_ the straight one. His folks must have really shaken the fruit tree with that one”

“Speaking of Robb’s siblings, he’s got this brother that I don’t really get along with.” He said “He’s not like a bad guy or anything, we just always end up fist-fighting whenever we’re forced to hang out. I’m serious.” He nodded “In a single night we’ll go from buying drinks for one another to a bar fight” 

“That’s not an exaggeration!” He insisted “That’s happened before. Multiple times” 

"But," he said “I love his husband. Because we’re both sluts” the audience laughed “No, really. We’re both such whores.” he smiled “The brother-in-law kept us apart for the longest time, I guess cause he was worried about me corrupting him or something. I don’t really know. Anyway, point is, they had been together for like eight months before Robb finally wore him down enough to finally agree to a double date. And I didn’t wanna meet him either, all his friends are these weird goth, D&D nerds that have never so much as seen a nip-slip at the beach. And that’s what I was expecting this guy to be like.”

“Boy was I wrong.” he clicked his tongue. “Robb and I walk into the restaurant, and over the course of the dinner Satin, as he has introduced himself, and I get into a very long conversation about our experience with strippers. And it doesn’t take long for me to find out that he ran away from home when he was 18 to become a stripper and sell fake cocaine to college students.” The crowd hollowed with laughter. 

“Needless to say we became the bitchiest of friends” he smiled genuinely. “We used to drag our boyfriends out to bars and clubs, and then flirt with as many guys as possible to get them to buy us drinks and then give them to Robb and Jon. It was like a contest, we’d hop from pub to pub, dragging our wasted boyfriends along and just keep bringing him the drinks blokes bought us. We would both be completely sober by the end of the night, only time I ever saw Jon smile.” he laughed along with everyone.

“He told me a story once about how he and my brother in law fucked in the bathroom at our wedding. Spit as lube, in a two-foot by two-foot bathroom stall. Yeah, it was super porny. He told me that he had to use his tie to gag himself to keep from screaming. He told me that he licked his own cum off the wall so that there wouldn’t be any evidence.” he paused for a moment, his voice softening “That’s a true friend right there” he said “and do you wanna know why he did that? It wasn’t just cause he’s a freak. No. it was because he knew that a glob of Satin Spunk on the way would mean that Robb and I wouldn’t get our security deposit back. So he got down on his knees and licked jizz off a bathroom wall, like the hero he is." He placed a hand over his heart "That twink is braver than any Navy captain, and I look up to him more than I do any member of my extended family" 

“And because of that, we got the security deposit back on the venue. Because, and say it with me now, it's fine to get railed in a public bathroom so long as you clean up after yourself!” he gave a brief pause, feeling the sweat glistening on his brow as the heartbeat returned to his chest “Thank you and good night” 

Back in his dressing room, he found Robb sitting with his arms folded over his chest. 

“You gave a great show, love” he said.

Theon smirked, leaning against the door frame “Really?” he asked coyly, “Thought I flubbed a line or two near the end” he took off his sweat-stained blazer and threw it on a hook

“I didn’t notice,” Robb said as he stood “Its been A while since I’ve been here”

“Guess it has” Theon agreed, he couldn’t remember the last time Robb came to one of his shows.

“You must be parched after that, can I buy you a drink?”

Theon smiled “That depends, are you gonna flirt with me for five hours after?”

“Only if I feel like it” Robb shrugged, landing a kiss on his cheek “get me a gin and tonic and we’ll see”

Theon slid an arm around him as they began to make their way “Coming right up”


End file.
